Have you ever found yourself complaining about straight men as a straight woman? You might have exclaimed, “They’re the worst!” sang along to Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” on repeat, or vowed never to date one again. Maybe you even asked yourself, “Why do I like men?” If that is the case, you’re certainly not alone.
In October 2025, British Vogue’s Chanté Joseph asked the internet, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” in an opinion essay that garnered more clicks than anyone could have predicted. Joseph even wrote a piece responding to the chaos. “I’ve been heralded as the voice of single women, a wannabe Carrie Bradshaw, a witch!” she said.
Joseph wrote about the clout that comes with having a partner. Being partnered used to be the ultimate prize, but now, she believes, it’s cooler to seem independent and confident than to appear dependent on a man. Vogue readers “saw the article as a threat to a system that has historically favored them.”
At the heart of Joseph’s essay was the idea of heteropessimism, coined by academic scholar Asa Seresin in 2019, referring to feelings of hopelessness, regret, or embarrassment about the straight experience. It notoriously causes women to blame men for the troubles of today’s heterosexual relationships.
According to Seresin, heteropessimism encourages women to dissociate from the emotional highs and lows that come with heterosexual relationships. When faced with the potential for disappointment, heteropessimism provides a temptation to soothe oneself with the proclamation that “men suck.”
This creates a “prison” where straight women claim to hate men but continue to date them regardless. It frames heteropessimism as performative and begs the question: should straight women feel ashamed for participating in heterosexuality even after they’ve rebuked it?
The thing is, cementing straight women in a perpetual state of hopelessness, regret, or embarrassment isn’t productive. It doesn’t do anyone any good to walk around as a perpetual man-hater. Nor can you try to force yourself to be gay to avoid being disappointed by the heterosexual landscape. This threatens to sound like 70s-era political lesbianism. Obviously, romantic and sexual attraction are not things we can manipulate.
What the heterosexual landscape needs is a dramatic cultural change. What would it look like to reimagine straight culture? The queer community has certainly figured it out, with alternative conceptions of gender roles, norms, and power dynamics that make up queer dating culture.
Heteropessimists often use satire, making their claims funny and relatable. But they are quick to blame men without considering a solution. What can straight folks do to change things without giving in to hopelessness or rage? Sounds like we need to use our imaginations, to me.
